NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s a really incredible car, which is great since I’ll be living out of it for the foreseeable future” said Seinfeld of the souped-up 2019 Bugatti Divo he had purchased at auction for a sum of $950 million plus the syndication rights of the Seinfeld television program. “This is an absolutely gorgeous, one-of-a-kind automobile—you can feel the unparalleled power and torque when you pull into the Walmart parking lot to sleep for the night. And while I may not have a home or a family anymore, I know I’ll be having the time of my life as long as there’s still gas in the car, and luckily it came with a full tank so that shouldn’t be a problem for a while yet. By the way, I’d be happy to give you a ride in the car for only $50.” At press time, Seinfeld announced upcoming reboots of Bee Movie and The Marriage Ref as well as a new edition of Seinlanguage in an effort to afford his insurance payments.
Jesus Christ is King
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