Biden: ‘If You’re Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain’t Catholic!’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden doubled-down on his Catholic faith and his pro-abortion policies Sunday. “Let me be clear,” he said to reporters as he exited Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown. “If you’re not okay with women aborting their babies, then you ain’t Catholic, Jack!”

The comments drew swift criticism from a number of Catholic groups who pointed out that the church has historically taken a strong pro-life stance. But Biden says those views are stale and outdated.

“Look, the main reason I’m a Catholic is that they’re not hung up on things like historical doctrine– at least that’s what I’ve been told,” Biden noted. “There’s no single set of core theology that all Catholics are supposed to believe. It’s all about freeing yourself from the shackles of organized religion and choosing your own path.”

Biden then reiterated that pro-life views have no place in the modern Catholic church. “If you want to honor unwed mothers and little babies, the Catholic church is not the place for you,” he said. “And I’m sure if the Virgin Marley were still alive, she would tell you the exact same thing.”

A Vatican spokesperson refused to comment on Biden’s views, stating a long-standing church tradition of not publicly commenting on the theology of Catholic Democrat politicians. “We call it the Kennedy doctrine,” the spokesperson said. “It’s a policy that has served us quite well for many years.”