Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site

HARDISTY, ALBERTA—Growing emotional as he fastened himself to the oil transportation network, a tearful Justin Trudeau reportedly chained himself to the Keystone pipeline Friday to stop the Biden Administration from destroying a significant oil industry heritage site. “For years, this beautiful pipeline has held a unique cultural value to the Canadian people, and I will do anything—even risk life and limb—to ensure crass environmental interests don’t prevent future generations from experiencing its incredible splendor of synthetic crude oil and diluted bitumen,” said the visibly upset prime minister, who paused several times to compose himself before emphasizing that the pipeline were a “national treasure” that rivaled the canals of Venice or even the Egyptian pyramids. “This is a monument, a testament, to the great Canadian ideal: sturdy and mighty, overflowing with profit. In fact, if we lose this, we lose who we are as an oil-hungry, profit-driven people.” At press time, hundreds of oil executives had joined Trudeau in his protest, shackling themselves to the pipeline with demands to restore the landmark to its former glory.

The Onion