Report Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Have Enough Reward Points Saved To Survive Sudden Skincare Disaster

MALVERN, PA—Demonstrating just how vulnerable a large segment of the populace is to dermatological emergencies, a new report released Thursday by the Vanguard Group found that most Americans don’t have enough reward points saved to cover the expense of a sudden skincare disaster. “Nearly 60% of U.S. residents don’t have a sufficient balance in their Aveda or Birchbox loyalty program accounts to weather an unexpected breakout or dry, flaky patch,” the report read in part, adding that the abrupt appearance of a blemish or dark under-eye circles could spell disaster for this group, because the cost of cleansing milks and radiance-boosting formulas would wipe out every credit they have acquired through their Ulta Beauty mobile app. “Any points these Americans do manage to accumulate—including special bonus rewards received on their birthdays—end up getting spent immediately on month-to-month skincare expenses, leaving them with virtually no safety net should they be faced with unforeseen bouts of dryness or enlarged pores. Even those who have reached the VIP or elite tiers of membership may find themselves desperately squeezing out the last little bit of rehydrating serum from a tiny trial sample they received as a perk.” According to sources in Washington, a bipartisan group of lawmakers is considering legislation that would give Americans earning less than 300 Kiehl’s points per year a one-time stimulus to cover up to $18 worth of shine-control toner.

The Onion