Wanna feel old? Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless

Hey Millennials! Isn’t McDonalds still selling pizza? Aren’t acid washed jeans still in style? Aren’t we all enjoying life in its simple banality? Sorry fam, but the bogus truth is that time continues to pass whether you actually acknowledge it or not. Check out these top ten facts that will make any millennial feel super old af.

1. Macaulay Culkin is 40 years old.
That’s right, the child actor who starred in so many of our faves is officially over the hill.

2. Britney Spears released Baby One More Time more than twenty years ago.
Wow, our favourite teen hit is old enough to drink? That drives me crazy.

3. Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless.
Remember Rusty? He’s got hit by a car and died alongside any real chance you have of making an impact on this world.

4. The TV show Friends ended more than 15 years ago.
We haven’t seen the inside of Central Perk since before Obama’s presidency. If only we were just “on a break”! Unfortunately, we‘re not and you’ll be forever looking for a group of friends that understands and accepts you the way the Friends gang did with each other.

5. Despite all the time you’ve dedicated to your goals, you will never be the person that the child version of you wanted to be.
Sorry pal, but those screenwriting classes were a waste of time and you’ll top out in middle management, going home to an empty apartment and evenings lined with empty beer cans and reruns of The Big Bang Theory. Hope you like Lean Cuisine!

6. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.
Beliebe it or not, this movie is old af! It’s even older than Rusty was that fateful day when he collided with a speeding Honda Civic.

7. You are closer to death than you ever have been before.
With every minute that ticks by, your cells are getting older and getting closer to breaking down than ever before.

8. Shrek turns 20 this year.
Yes, everyone’s favourite ogre has been around for two full decades, and Shrek and Fiona are still going strong despite the likelihood of relationships to end in divorce!

9. At some point, no one on earth will ever remember you or speak your name again.
After your physical body dies, your influence and your legacy will die as well. Whether it is hours, days, or years later, there will come a time when no one remembers you or anything you did in your brief time on earth.

10. In the future, the sun will expand from a Yellow Dwarf to a Red Giant and engulf the earth.
In approximately five billion years, the sun will deplete its hydrogen supply and begin to consume heavier elements, expanding to one hundred times its current size in the process. Nothing on our earth will survive, not your eventual relatives or the distant offspring of the only living being that loved you unconditionally (Rusty) that may have stood the test of time. The only question is after our former sun explodes as a Red Giant and then shrinks down to an extremely dense White Dwarf, whether a cloud of dust and gas will emerge to mark the death of our earth, the human race, everyone we have loved and lost, and all of our collective memories, or whether there will be no evidence at all that we ever existed.

Beaverton