Fossilized Skeleton Shows Ancient Man Likely Died From Being Smashed In Skull By Archaeological Pickaxe

MOTALA, SWEDEN—According to a report published Friday by researchers from Lund University, the fossilized skeleton of an ancient man revealed that he likely died from being smashed in the skull by an archaeological pickaxe. “All evidence points to the fact this ancient man, who we estimate lived 4,500 to 5,000 years ago, was killed after a fiberglass-and-steel tool shattered his skull,” said report author Karl Fransson, sharing that team of archaeologists had given the man the nickname “Ampco Man” in reference to the word “Ampco” found carved into the pickaxe’s handle. “What’s interesting is this injury exists in conjunction with fissures along his femurs that suggest he was also struck with a shovel. We’re also studying an alternative hypothesis that he died after falling out of a truck bed and then getting backed over by a pickup. Apparently, this Scandinavian tribe was a remarkably violent people.” At press time, Fransson added there were signs the tribe felt remorse, as evident by the crude effort that had been made to glue the skeletal fragments back together.

The Onion