Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to assess the problem from the ground up, transportation secretary nominee Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday he was learning about the challenges facing the nation’s outdated rail infrastructure by living as a train for a week. “ I’ve spent seven days as a cross-country passenger train, transporting thousands of Americans under my own power so I can better understand the plight of our great railways,” said Buttigieg, who demurred when asked whether President Biden, a well-known Amtrak enthusiast, would be hopping aboard his new Cabinet member for a round-trip express ride from D.C. to Wilmington, DE. “I intend to complete a multiday route between New York and Los Angeles, and while I know it will be tough to hit all the stops on time, I can’t think of a better way to get acquainted with America’s proud but neglected rolling stock, or meet its aging, dilapidated tracks. And when I roll through your town, feel free to climb into my café car, grab a cup of coffee, and share any concerns you have about rail travel.” At press time, reports confirmed the former South Bend, IN mayor had derailed at 80 mph, leaving 27 passengers dead and another 54 gravely injured.

The Onion