Americans Scrambling For Covid Vaccine After CDC Director Announces Thousands Of Doses Buried Somewhere In California

ATLANTA—Piling into motorcycles, biplanes, rowboats, and any other means of conveyance available to them, millions of Americans began scrambling for a coronavirus vaccine Friday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced thousands of doses were buried somewhere in California. “As soon as [CDC Director Rochelle] Walensky dropped that cryptic hint that a tremendous cache of doses was hidden in a California state park, my brother and I began racing across the country to be the first ones there,” said local man Phineas K. Rogue, rushing to commandeer a firetruck after a rival vaccine-seeker shot an arrow through his hot air balloon, causing it to deflate. “We’ve already thrown a trail of tacks and broken glass onto the road behind us and put up a faulty detour sign leading straight down a cliff, so after we cut down this rope bridge, nobody will be able to catch us. Why, we’ll have gotten our second shot administered by the time these jabbering jackanapes reach Nevada. Those inoculations will be mine, all mine, I tell you!” At press time, Rogue and his brother were forced to recalibrate their strategy after plowing through a barn led to their vehicle becoming covered in dozens of clucking chickens.

The Onion