Fauci Warns Public Against Holding Any Large-Scale Celebrations Commemorating February 1708 Release Of J.S. Bach’s Cantata ‘Gott Ist Mein König’

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that it would be painful for many Americans to cancel their plans for the cherished national tradition, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Friday against holding any large-scale celebrations commemorating the historic February release of Johann Sebastian Bach’s 1708 cantata “Gott Ist Mein König.” “Look, folks, I know that many of us were hoping that we could gather in our frock coats alongside our loved ones and friends to pay tribute to Bach’s inimitable baroque cantata, but this year that’s just not in the cards,” said the NIAID director, adding that while he felt the country’s pain at losing the chance to revel in the rich history of the 18th-century composer’s festive instrumental, he still strongly recommended against gathering the full orchestra of 3 trumpets, timpani, 2 recorders, 2 oboes, a bassoon, viola da gamba, and a continuo in an indoor setting due to coronavirus concerns. “Some of my fondest memories come from gathering every February with my mother and father and listening to Bach’s majestic pre-Neumeister rendering of the cantatas form, and I’m sure millions of you feel the same way. With that said, if you are going to gather, please keep any performances to a quartet. Frankly, though I would recommend just putting your white powdered wigs and knee breeches back into storage, enjoying a pipe organ recital, and maybe reading Johann Heermann’s hymn ‘O Gott, du frommer Gott’ around the dinner table with your close family. I’m sorry, but that’s just where we are at the moment.” At press time, Fauci was strongly urging Americans to consider safety concerns before giving into the temptation to travel back to Bach’s birthplace of Eisenach, Germany.

The Onion