Tom Brady Refuses Request To Throw Touchdown For Kid With Cancer To Avoid Glorifying Unhealthy Lifestyle

TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick kid, what kind of message does that send? That living a life of extreme unhealthiness is somehow okay?” said Brady, adding that he had fired his publicist for trying to rope him into a compromising position where he would be effectively glorifying having a severely compromised immune system. “I’m not going to throw a touchdown for someone whose body is polluted with cancerous cells. There are millions of young fans watching me today, and if they see me dedicating a touchdown pass to someone who has a chronic illness, they’re going to think they should get one too. If this kid was a healthy boy eating a lot of whole grains, nuts, and vegetables, sure, I’d dedicate a touchdown pass to him. How about this: I can dedicate my first incompletion to this kid, to remind everyone that this is the wrong way to live.” Brady added that he was also making a large donation to the hospital where the child was being treated in an effort to convince the administrators to kick him out.

The Onion