NEW YORK—Grumbling over the federal official’s nitpicking behavior, sources told reporters Monday that local judge Galen Salerno was a real stickler about the Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989. “Jeez, this guy’s really putting on a big show about weapons of mass destruction,” said 29-year-old defendant Ivan Dietrich, who rolled his eyes while recounting how the judge had chewed him out in front of the entire courtroom simply for crossing the U.S. border with 300 grams of ricin in his truck. “Like, come on, I’m a first-time offender. Chill, man. He totally has his panties in a bunch over nothing. And you should’ve seen his face when the ammonium nitrate came up. ‘Blah, blah, blah, dozens injured, blah, blah, blah, the Anti-Terrorism And Effective Death Penalty Act Of 1996.’ Talk about performative outrage.” At press time, Dietrich added he just hoped the judge wouldn’t completely fly off the handle when he detonated the bomb strapped to his chest in five minutes.
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