Help Is On The Way: Next Stimulus Bill Will Give Every American $2,000 Worth Of Masks

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has finally come to an agreement on the stimulus bill: every American will be sent $2,000, but instead of cash, the payment will be made in roughly $2,000 worth of masks.

People across the country breathed a sigh of relief as Congress finally got its act together and compromised to make the mask payments happen.

“I know this isn’t $2,000 in cash, but it is still significant,” said Nancy Pelosi. “You can use the masks to stay home and stay safe. You can make fun crafts with them. You can even barter with your masks to purchase extra bread, water, or ice cream for your family.”

Senator Chuck Schumer suggested making “fun little daisy-chains” with the masks and playing jump rope with them, as long as you stay inside your house. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned the payment, saying that you “can’t do too much” when it comes to a stimulus bill and that every American should get infinity masks, though she warned that masks can be tricky and that you might strangle yourself with them.

An additional benefit to getting $2,000 in masks instead of cash is that they won’t depreciate anywhere nearly as quickly as the American dollar.