Op-Ed: Today’s Youth Simply Don’t Have The Work Ethic To Build The Gulags Needed For Their Communist Ideals

When I was young, there wasn’t nothing scarier than the Commies. They were out there, waiting to destroy all freedom and destroy all the world in a nuclear holocaust. You know, a real problem — not like everyone worrying about it getting a couple degrees hotter because of some so-called global warming.

Now, we thought we ended Communism in the ’80s, thought we strangled the last of them for their bad economic ideas, but we were wrong. Because we raised our kids wrong (part of letting everyone go hatless), they’ve started to embrace Communism. Suddenly we got Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in government — full of Commie evil — and the red menace is back.

Initially, I was excited. After Communism, we didn’t really have a good enemy. No one thought them Islamic terrorists were going to actually take over the world. Communists are a real enemy — worthy of America — but then all my hopes were dashed when I took a good look at these new Commies.

They suck.

They’re all just a bunch of lazy, whiny morons. I mean, the Commies of old were stupid and evil, but they at least knew enough to be a threat, like how to build a gulag. I doubt these Commies could build a desk from IKEA without having their mom help them. And they ain’t building no nuclear bombs, because they haven’t read any books on nuclear physics. I doubt they’ve even actually read Marx — ‘cause it ain’t got no wizarding school in it. All these Commies want to do is whine about how they have to pay rent.

Could you imagine Rambo going after these Commies? They’d just be running for their safe spaces. They ain’t going to take over the world; I doubt that Ocasio-Cortez could tie her own shoes without making a mess of it. And they ain’t going to execute dissidents — they’re just going to get you kicked off Twitter then order themselves some avocado toast and call it a day. They are a disgrace to the Commies from the good old days — whom I hated but have respect for.

What those Commies need to do is stop shouting about Russia and Trump and go talk to Putin and ask him nicely how to be big, good, scary Commies. They need to put down their phones and stop their tick-tocking and learn how to be proper, evil Commies — the threat America deserves. And then they need to come back here and try to destroy this country and its freedoms properly — Red Dawn style — so we can have the big war against Commies this country needs.

They need some self-respect. And then I’ll finally strangle them. For being Commies.