Health Experts Recommend Against Getting Zapped By Any Sort Of Futuristic Space Gun

ATLANTA—Urging the public in the strongest possible terms to avoid the hypothetical armaments, health officials across the country issued a statement Tuesday warning against getting zapped by any sort of futuristic space gun. “We recommend that Americans do everything in their power to prevent being hit by any colorful ray emitted from a bulbous silver firearm, possibly held by an alien bounty hunter or a cybertronic prison warden, in the event that such technology ever exists,” said CDC spokesperson Tracy Armstrong, confirming that these dangerous devices would probably be able to freeze, melt, shrink, or ignite victims in less than a second and were likely impervious to any conventional weaponry currently known to humankind. “In the event that you do find yourself zapped by a space gun, you should immediately attempt to locate some sort of temporal blaster that can transport you back in time to before the original zapping occurred, though we recommend exercising extreme caution in this case due to the potential for causing a rip in space-time.” Armstrong added that Americans could help take preventative measures against this eventual crisis by ingesting nootropic super-pills to bolster their fighting skills and telekinetic abilities.

The Onion