Jesus' Coming Back

Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

Illustration for article titled Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

WASHINGTON—Donald Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that the former president spoke metaphorically on Jan. 6 before the Capitol riots while telling supporters to rip the chamber doors off of their hinges and crush Nancy Pelosi’s skull. “While addressing the crowd on the National Mall, Donald Trump was only speaking figuratively when he mentioned tearing down the Capitol gates, dragging legislators by their hair, and ripping members of our government limb from limb,” said impeachment lawyer David Schoen, adding that Democrats had since twisted Trump’s clearly ironic words demanding his followers to “let fresh, hot blood flow through the halls of government.” “The real truth is that the rioters who breached the Capitol did so on their own accord, not because Donald Trump told them to bring him Pelosi, Schumer, and anyone else who dared to resist. Politicians routinely symbolically call for their opponents’ heads to be mounted on pikes on the White House lawn, and people know exactly what that means.” At press time, Schoen added that Trump’s repeated claims of election fraud were actually just his unique way of advocating for a peaceful transition of power.

The Onion

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