Ted Cruz Deeply Disturbed By Part Of Capitol Riot Video Where Chuck Schumer Not Beaten To Death

WASHINGTON—Squeezing his eyes shut in response to the harrowing Capitol riot footage, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was reportedly deeply disturbed Thursday by the part of the video where Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was not beaten to death. “Oh God, no, he’s going to escape—I can’t look!” said Cruz, who was beyond horrified as he watched the video showing Schumer and his security detail fleeing down a hallway after coming within just yards of the conservative mob. “Why don’t they just turn it off? This is awful. We already know where this is leading, which is Chuck Schumer not dying. No one should have to relive that horrible day. The part where he gets to the other side of the door safely makes me sick every time. Honestly, I might throw up.” At press time, Cruz had left the Senate chamber to catch his breath in the rotunda after getting to the part of the footage where the rioters didn’t parade Schumer’s lifeless body around on their shoulders.

The Onion