Tim Cook Unveils Rows Of Artificial Wombs After Announcing Apple Will Begin Manufacturing Own Employees In House

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own employees in house. “Utilizing proprietary embryonic technologies and astounding new developments in the area of synthetic genomics, we expect to have upward of 95% of Apple’s employees across the entire supply chain gestated, produced, and trained right here at home,” said Cook, showing reporters around the 70,000-square-foot underground artificial incubation center where thousands of developing Apple employee fetuses floated in highly oxygenated blood. “We’ll be able to eliminate virtually all of our inefficiencies and redundancies with this in-house workforce, as all of their physical and mental characteristics will be streamlined specifically toward their future role here at Apple, and any physical or intelligence complications simply removed. For example, this row right here are having their salience and executive brain networks fine-tuned so they can be raised to become our product designers, and these ones over here who will actually assemble our products are being bred to eliminate the need for sleep. Unlike conventional employees, however, these Apple-specific workers will be able to begin performing their job functions within just 18 months of initial fertilization. This environmentally friendly move, which eliminates the need for employees to commute, eat, or produce waste, creates a fully customizable workforce that is economically sustainable and enables us to be more responsive to changing trends. It’ll also allow me to live forever in an endless sequence of clones, which will help maintain consistency for our investors.” Cook also showed reporters a facility testing the development of employees partially constructed of essential device components like lithium and cobalt, in hopes that one day Apple would eliminate purchasing materials entirely by producing employees who harvested themselves.

The Onion