Jesus Christ: Mario And Yoshi Used A Warp Block At The Same Time And Emerged Onto The Mario Party Board As A Horrifying, Fused Monstrosity

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Gamers, this is bad. This is really bad. We don’t know how this happened exactly, but we were just playing a game of Super Mario Party a few minutes ago when Mario and Yoshi used a warp box at the same time and…dear God—emerged onto the board as a horrifying, fused monstrosity.

Holy shit, this is really bad. We don’t want to look. But we cannot stop ourselves.

Gamers, we are nauseated just looking at the grotesque mass of green flesh pulsing over Mario’s iconic red hat. But what’s worse is we can’t even say for certain what occurred during that warp to cause this moral trespass. All that’s clear is both Yoshi and Mario were holding warp boxes at the time, and when Mario used his to swap places, it seems like Yoshi accidentally activated his own, splicing their genetic code together into…into this…Jesus, we’re going to be sick.

One thing that’s obvious is that dinosaur and human DNA are not a good match, and this ungodly creature seems to be in deep pain. It’s pulsating with tumors or cysts or something, and fluid is leaking out all over from the burst pustules. Oh Christ, Yoshi’s red tongue is twitching around horribly on the outside of its body.

What inhuman horror have these two wrought?

As terrible as this misbegotten creature is, what’s scaring us even more is the fear and revulsion reflected in the eyes of the other game characters in King Bob-omb’s Powderkeg Mine. Peach just fell to the ground racked with sobs and is trying to tear her own eyes out. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong apparently went mad, because he immediately started screaming in madness and then leaped off the map into the lava below rather than look one more moment upon this repulsive hybrid.

Oh, no, no, no, there’s a sound coming from the unspeakable thing’s throat now—a wet hiss, a weeping scream emanating out of its dual-tongued mouth. It wants us to come closer, but we can’t. We won’t let this thing come close. No way.

Oh, fuck, what’s it doing? Fuck, FUCK, it’s dragging itself towards the railroad tracks—it looks like it’s trying to run itself over with a mine cart, but its poor, decrepit body doesn’t have the strength to make it that far. Sweet mother of Christ, we don’t know what we did to deserve seeing this, but now the monstrosity is looking right at us through the screen and begging us to come over there to end its torture.

We don’t know if we can go through with it. Can we go through with it? SHIT! We don’t want to be alive anymore, gamers! There is no God! There is no God!

The Onion