Lindsey Graham Hisses Directions At Attorneys Messing Up Speech They Spent Hours Rehearsing

WASHINGTON—Appearing to lose patience as the defense presented its arguments in President Trump’s impeachment trial Friday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was repeatedly overheard hissing directions at lawyers as they messed up the speeches he spent hours rehearsing with them the night before. “Come on now, big smile, project your voice like we practiced—no, no, no, what are you doing?” Graham said through his teeth as David Schoen, Michael T. van der Veen, and other members of Trump’s legal team continued to botch the written defense he had coached them through late last night and into the early morning. “The timing, the tone, the gestures we worked on? Did you assholes remember none of it? It’s ‘The former president’s rhetoric is protected under the First Amendment,’ and then you do the long, pregnant pause for dramatic effect. Now sell it, you fucking halfwits!” Sources reported that as defense arguments concluded, a visibly tense Graham jumped up from his chair, applauded wildly, and stared daggers into his Republican colleagues until they, too, stood and joined his ovation.

The Onion