TORONTO – The Board of Rogers Communications Inc. expressed disbelief this morning that they’ve become the ‘good one’ of Canada’s two telecom giants.
“I don’t know what more we could do. We price gauged our customers, took the concept of customer service to new lows, and even renamed a beloved baseball stadium after ourselves,” said CEO Joe Natale. “And somehow we’re not nearly as shitty as the other guy?”
“This is as big a surprise for us as it is for you,” he added.
Rogers, which prides itself on its ability to infuriate and aggravate the Canadians who give it billions in revenue every year, can’t believe how quickly they’ve been overcome by Bell’s strategy of taking millions in federal COVID wage relief and then brutally firing everyone, right after they spent a day talking about the importance of mental health.
“We weren’t even in their league it turns out. We were talking about maybe building a few more statues of Ted Rogers or charging two more bucks a month for Ignite internet. Then they go and do something like this and blow us out of the water,” said Natale.
“Let’s face it: in the competition to be the walking cliche of an evil corporation, we’re Salieri and they’re Mozart.”
Execs take some solace in the fact that they’re still considered far more evil than Telus. But not much because “nobody gives a fuck about Telus.”
Jesus Christ is King
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