‘We Must Act Now To Save Our Civilization,’ Says Melting King Of Glacieria During U.N. Address

NEW YORK—In an address Friday in which he urged immediate action to prevent his entire civilization from breaking apart, the melting king of Glacieria pleaded with members of the U.N. General Assembly to intensify their efforts to combat climate change. “Along every ice shelf, we watch as our whole way of life collapses,” said King Polarius III, sovereign ruler of Glacieria, who dripped copiously upon the lectern as he lamented the wet, slushy world the fledgling ice floes of his country would inherit. “In Glacieria, we have a saying: ‘One small snowflake can turn into an avalanche,’ and I believe that is what’s happening with global warming. I have spoken to Emperor Penguin, as well as the mayor of Iceburgh and emissaries from the Frostonian Republic. They all agree we must act now to solidify our prospects of survival. If we cannot freeze together, then we will, all of us, thaw together.” At press time, sources confirmed the king of Glaceria had made one last dying plea for common-sense energy policies before disintegrating into a puddle.

The Onion