5 ways to spot which Facebook friend is about to post a think piece on why “Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic trap”

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and so is the looming threat of a Facebook post by that friend of yours who needs you to know that you’re scum for celebrating Valentine’s Day! We all know it’s a greeting card holiday and that the gift expectations surrounding it are dumb, however, with it almost being the one year COVID-anniversary, no one gets to spoil the one day a year you’re allowed to deepthroat handfuls of cinnamon hearts. So, here are five ways to spot (and thus, avoid) that facebook friend who is about to post a full-on think piece on why Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic trap meant to enforce commercialized love:

1. The “You should be celebrating your love 365 days a year” Friend
For the record, you do show up in your relationships all year round. Maybe that one-day a year is special to you because that fuzzy bear holding an “I WUV U” heart almost makes up for those “cute oops” moments in your relationship, like when your partner does a grocery run and forgets to grab the almond milk you asked them to get, which then turns into a big conversation about how they don’t listen to you and honour your needs. So, go ahead and unfollow those V-day killjoys who state that “you don’t need a day to celebrate your love.” Turns out you do! No one gets to rain on your parade!

2. The Thrifter
This Facebook friend who is so against Valentine’s Day and spends a lot of time letting everyone know how anti-capitalism they are – mainly by showing off their thrift store finds. Yes, it’s so cool that they got that Calvin Klein black sweater for a fraction of the price. What’s even more cool is their fetishiztion of low-income inequality! Therefore, as you preemptively search for that perfect vase to display your soon-to-be bundle of roses, take inventory of people who claim to be “against capitalism” but have also grown up in a middle class household and now live in a gentrified neighbourhood, Tip: if your inner circle of friends tell you to not get your hopes up with the roses because you haven’t received Valentine’s Day flowers for the past three years, block them! You don’t need that negativity in your life!

3. The “Free” Thinker!
Look out for Facebook friends who preach a free flow of ideas and promote themselves as anti-establishment – an opinion they formed during those four years at an accredited university that their parents paid for. Their “groundbreaking opinions” are usually just regurgitated thoughts they’re only now sharing because it’s trendy to do so. Unsubscribe! You won’t miss much. Trust – you’ll feel less shitty come Feb Fourteen when it turns out your partner has to help their buddy move last minute so you decide to pivot and celebrate the birth of famed suffragette Anna Howard Shaw by lying naked on the floor, eating through boxes of chocolate. Yes, boxes – plural. Self-love, baby!

4. The “Don’t Talk To Me Until You’ve Seen This” Friend
Take note of anyone who has posted an unsolicited curation of “must-see” Netflix documentaries on Facebook. This person wants you to know that they’re enlightened and that you’re just a dummy who’s champagne drunk in a bubble bath because turns out that “ the buddy your partner was helping to move” was actually their ex.

5. The Friend Whose Profile Photo is Fran Lebowitz
And you know what? Yours is about to become a fucking picture of your fucking hand showing off your fucking engagement ring because, yes Valentine’s Day proposals are cheesy but after a year like the one you just had, no one gets to control how you express YOUR joy. Even if you bought the ring for your partner to give to you because they didn’t know what you liked.

And that’s it! Come February fourteenth, if a slanderous V-Day post somehow slips through, despite your rigorous preparations, just point out the irony of posting about anti-capitalism on Facebook. Oh! And if loved ones insist that the person you’re now engaged to is garbage, that you’re making a huge mistake, and that you deserve so much better, don’t listen to them! It’s just that good ‘ol fashion anti-capitalism rhetoric of “you deserve so much better.” Classic!

Beaverton

Jesus Christ is King