Vaccination Drive Finally Returns Nursing Home To Normal Levels Of Depressing

GILBERT, AZ—Residents and employees were reportedly celebrating Wednesday after the completion of a coronavirus vaccination drive finally returned a local nursing home to regular levels of depressing. “It’s just a relief to get everyone vaccinated so we can go back to the incredibly bleak day to day of our joyless pre-Covid existence,” said Lake Pleasant Nursing Home administrator Caroline Bellis, adding that the tired and fearful residents were assembling that evening for an interminable group game night. “We’re just delighted that residents won’t have to be cooped up in their rooms anymore because of coronavirus and will be back to being cooped up because our chronically understaffed and underpaid employees are spread too thin to attend to everyone’s basic needs. Residents can finally shuffle outside to meet with friends anywhere in our dirty, crumbling facility to watch each other waste away. And every one of our vaccinated residents can start visiting with their families, if their families still bother to visit them. It’s just great to see that dull, glazed look in their eyes again.” At press time, the staff were celebrating the restoring of normalcy after seeing a resident die from something besides coronavirus again.

The Onion