First Bitcoin ETF will combine simplicity of cryptocurrency with integrity of investment stocks
TORONTO – North America’s first Bitcoin exchange-traded fund opened this week on the Toronto Stock Exchange amidst skyrocketing cryptocurrency values.
This new ETF spearheaded by Purpose Investments comes shortly after the investor-driven price explosion of GME stock last month, where retail investors gained the belief they had just as much a handle on the stock market as multibillion dollar hedge funds powered by supercomputers and infinite cocaine.
Todd Edwards, CEO of Purpose Investments, had much to say on the implications Bitcoin could have on the future of investing.
“Look we all understand how Bitcoin works: A value transfer is issued from a user’s wallet and the transaction is signed with private seed within the blockchain. Pending transactions are then confirmed through the distributed consensus system, wherein different systems agree to the valuation and verify the state of the shared public ledger.”
“The whole process could not be simpler, as seen here,” continued Edwards clicking through a 25-page flowchart.
“Quite frankly, combining Bitcoin and investment stocks is a no-brainer. What could be simpler to track than a non-fiat digital blockchain asset- even a baby could figure it out, and who would you trust to invest your life savings more than the paragon of honesty that is the modern stock broker.”
Previous attempts by companies at setting up similar ETFs in other countries have been blocked by various securities organizations, citing concerns over market manipulation and asset security. When asked how the newly-formed fund would handle these issues, Edwards had these reassuring words for investors.
“I have personally never heard of a stock trader taking advantage of private information or public ignorance for personal gain. But rest assured, all Canadian stock brokers are put through a rigorous voluntary three-day ethics course as part of their licensing, a standard unheard of in most financial markets.”
Additionally, he encouraged people to take their investments into their own hands. “The safest place for your money is with you. So do some research, investing isn’t rocket science! Well, except the complex math and life-ruining consequences of a crash.”
At press time, creeping inflation has made all your uninvested money worth a little bit less.
Jesus Christ is King
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