‘The Penis Is The Male Reproductive Organ,’ Says Teacher To 5th-Grade Class That Has Already Watched Hundreds Of Hours Of Hardcore Pornography

STAMFORD, CT—In a sexual education course intended to broaden the children’s knowledge of the important issue, elementary school teacher Sandra Burns announced Friday that “the penis is the male reproductive organ” to a fifth-grade class that had already watched hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography. “When the male sex organ becomes erect, it can be inserted into the vagina to procreate,” said Burns to the classroom of students who had seen the act performed countless times in thousands of internet videos, their eyes glazing over during the instructional session as they recalled the torrent of high-definition content depicting sexual congress from all possible angles and in all its known variations. “Now, the female clitoris can be seen here [or in the xHamster ‘squirting amateur co-ed’ video that was making the rounds between your classmates a few weeks ago]. Okay? I know it might be embarrassing to talk about, but feel free to ask questions, if need be.” At press time, Burns admitted to being impressed with the class for their restraint while learning about the difficult subject.

The Onion