A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.
- 3 Million: People whose call is important to Oncor Electric, and whose patience is appreciated as they remain on the line
- 5: Seconds until burst water pipe comes crashing right through dining room ceiling
- 34%: Portion of continental U.S. currently covered by single enormous snowflake
- 4: Number of teeth needed to complete a chatter
- #334-16H: Serial number of single malfunctioning wind turbine that will eventually take the fall of all of this
- 28.7: Tons of salt redirected from BBQ to Texas roads
- 1: Number of lieutenant governors still maintaining the biggest issue currently facing Texas is whether the national anthem is played before all major sporting events
- 6F: Seat number for Ted Cruz’s return flight
- 256: Fully equipped Ford F-150s in ditches along Texas highways
- 14: Inches of accumulated blood on Texas officials’ hands
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