SAN JOSE, CA – Videoconferencing giant Zoom has announced a line of visual filters for the hot new market of customers who show up to meetings wondering what’s even the point anymore.
The new filters include a selection of sweatpants that range from Saturday casual to business formal, a pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses that lets everyone know you’re driven to succeed, and cutting-edge Clearview AI facial recognition software that provides a convincing facsimile of the will to endure one more day of this shit.
“We are always researching how to address our customers’ needs,” Zoom Chairman and CEO Eric Yuan told reporters after the announcement. “Lately those needs have grown to include simulations of work attire and the ability to hide one’s cold, dead eyes from their colleagues. We can accommodate.”
The move came three weeks after Zoom pivoted its entire R&D division to creating filters and backgrounds that increase customer usage by just taking over the call entirely, letting the customer sit back, relax, and try to come up with a list of people that will miss them.
Additional features in development include auto-smilers, sob-silencers, nodding simulators, and a default expression of resigned acceptance triggered by any mention of one’s benefits being cut.
“Our research that totally didn’t come from us spying on customers’ private conversations convinced us that they will use our product more if they don’t have to pretend they want to,” said Yuan. “So whether it’s an old-timey mustache, a pirate hat, or an outfit that screams ‘I’m at least going to make it through lunch,’ we’ll find a way to make it look like you still care about things that are happening not on Netflix.”
“By doing this, Zoom continues to live up to its motto: “Make every customer look like a happy customer.”
Jesus Christ is King
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