Study Finds Keeping A Gun In The Home Increases Chances Of Child Becoming Popular With Cool Kids

PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that the presence of a weapon in the residence was directly linked to higher social standing among one’s adolescent peers, a new study released by the Annals Of Internal Medicine Monday found that keeping a gun in the home significantly increases the chance of your child becoming popular with the cool kids. “Our data indicate that keeping a firearm in your house drastically increases the likelihood of your son or daughter becoming part of their school’s in-crowd,” the study read in part, adding that a series of comprehensive surveys revealed that having an easily accessible rifle, single-action revolver, or semi-automatic handgun can give teens or pre-teens a leg up in ingratiating themselves with a well-liked clique of football players and cheerleaders. “Parents need to know that by storing a gun in the home, they dramatically improve the probability of their dependents abandoning all their lame friends and becoming total badasses. By inviting the cool kids over to shoot soda cans on tree stumps while you’re out at work, and maybe stealing some vodka from the liquor cabinet, your child also becomes three times more likely to lose their virginity before graduation and six times more likely to be crowned at homecoming.” The study added that this effect is negated, however, if your child accidentally commits manslaughter while playing around with the gun with their younger sibling.

The Onion