Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf

LOS ANGELES—Gathering around the athlete’s bed to deliver the news of his prognosis, doctors at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center reportedly reassured Tiger Woods Friday that you don’t have to be in good physical condition to play golf. “Mr. Woods, you’ve sustained some serious damage to your lower extremities, but you’ll be relieved to know that being in shape has absolutely no impact whatsoever on your ability to golf,” said the attending physician, who explained that the multiple fractures Woods suffered to his legs were ultimately irrelevant considering the sport barely required any athleticism. “Look, I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to say it: Your legs could have been ripped clean off, and you probably would have been fine. All that matters is you can hold a club. There are some fat-ass old men limping around out there, and they’re doing great. You can just ride around in the cart. In fact, at your age, I think you could probably start smoking.” At press time, the doctor added that if anything, the injuries might even help his performance.

The Onion