HHS Nominee Says Kids Should Decide For Themselves Whether To Stick A Knife In A Toaster

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During an intense round of questioning from senators on Capitol Hill, Assistant HHS Secretary Nominee Rachel Levine refused to answer Rand Paul’s intense line of questioning as to whether young children should be allowed to stick a knife in a toaster while it’s plugged in. 

“Listen, it’s a simple question,” said Senator Paul. “Should we, or should we not allow 3-year-old kids to electrocute themselves by sticking a giant knife into a plugged-in toaster?” 

“That is a very interesting question about a complicated issue,” answered Levine.

Some of the other questions included whether kids should be allowed to:

• Eat tide pods
• Inject Heroin
• Drink bleach
• Go over Niagara Falls in a barrel
• Inhale that green gas that turned Dr. Osborn into the Green Goblin 
• Play with loaded guns
• Swim in the chocolate river from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory
• Climb into a stranger’s car

To all the questions, Levine gave the same answer, claiming “these issues are complicated and should be left up for the child to decide.”

According to sources, if confirmed, Levine will work to make Tide pods and Niagara Falls barrels available over the counter to 3-year-olds immediately.