Justice Department Report Finds Majority Of Homicides Occur Before Opening Credits

WASHINGTON—Concluding an exhaustive analysis of the nation’s media, the Justice Department issued a report Monday confirming that the majority of homicides occur before the opening credits. “While Americans generally believe that murder is most prevalent at the climax or immediately before the commercial break, our research has indicated that brutal attacks are, in fact, most common within the first five minutes of a program,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, warning that while procedurals and cop dramas were at particularly high risk, it was possible for assailants to strike without warning in virtually any genre. “If any Americans find themselves in the cold opening of an unfamiliar series, proceed with extreme caution as you have a far greater chance of being killed than in virtually any other part of a television show. We urge you to keep your head, don’t take any undue risks, and in a few minutes you should be safe, as we have discovered virtually 0% mortality rate within a show’s theme song.” Wray added that while previous findings had indicated a huge spike in violent crime immediately before “To Be Continued” flashed onscreen, this report showed that a majority of these threats were resolved within the first five minutes of the next episode.

The Onion