MONTREAL – In a press release published today CN Rail announced plans to warp sections of train tracks into speed bumps to maintain Canada’s status as a leader in slow-speed rail transit.
“Soon, Canadians will no longer have to endure fast moving passenger and freight trains,” claimed CN president Jean-Jacques Ruest. “These speed bumps will ensure we remain the only G7 country without high-speed rail.”
This announcement comes after several engineers were found participating in illegal underground train racing, at times allegedly reaching highway speeds.
Gil Donahue, a train engineer from Manitoba, isn’t happy with the new changes. “They can install these ridiculous speed bumps, but there’s nothing stopping us from swerving around them.”
Last year Japan implemented similar speed bumps on their bullet train lines, notorious for attracting lead-footed drivers. The country reported a significant decrease in speeding, but an overall increase in locomotives being launched into low-Earth orbit.
The Canadian Agency of Private Detectives has lauded the move, stating the slower speeds will give agents more time to solve the inevitable locomotive murder mystery before arriving at their destinations.
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