CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic. “Don’t worry—you’ll be safe with me!” said Sawchuck, who sources confirmed was bravely risking imprisonment, torture, and even death by harboring armfuls of the gendered plastic tubers in a crawl space where the P.C. police would be less likely to find them. “But keep absolutely quiet, because if they realize you’re up here, they’ll disappear you, me, and my family, too. Hopefully I’ll be able to build a secret room with a false wall before those jack-booted cancel-culture Nazis come to search the place.” At press time, reports estimated it would be 12 months before Sawchuck sold out his principles upon realizing how much Mr. Potato Heads were going for on eBay.
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