Cuomo Expresses Deep Regret That Grandma Didn’t Have The Balls To Tough It Out

ALBANY, NY—Choking back tears while addressing the crowd of clamoring reporters, New York governor Andrew Cuomo expressed deep regret Friday that grandma didn’t have the balls to tough it out. “From the bottom of my heart, let me just say to the press, to my constituents, and most importantly to all the people I’ve hurt that I am so sorry that nana couldn’t nut up, put on her big boy pants, and tough it out for just a few measly months,” said Cuomo, taking a deep breath, shaking his head, and acknowledging how devastating it must be for someone’s family member to go out like such a big pussy. “At the time, I didn’t understand how my actions would affect people, especially the elderly who decided to throw in the towel instead of growing a fucking pair. While I can’t change the past, I can work on moving forward and always remembering what a little bitch these people were to the end.” At press time, Cuomo added that he would not be stepping down, before he grabbed his genitals and said he’d only wish your grandma had some stones like these.

The Onion