Health Officials Warn It’s Still Too Early To Stop Languishing In State Of Unceasing Despair

ATLANTA—Urging the nation to remain vigilant in its continued commitment to utter despondency, health officials nationwide warned Wednesday that it was still too early for Americans to stop languishing in a state of unceasing despair. “We know it’s been tempting to return to a slightly more positive outlook in recent months, but we highly recommend remaining trapped in a morass of depression for the foreseeable future,” said Director Rochelle Walensky, noting that it was premature for citizens to experience any glimmers of hope when they should be focusing their energy on barely keeping their heads above water as they try not to fully succumb to the darkness. “We know it’s been a challenging year, but if we start feeling like life might possibly be worth living at this stage, then this pandemic may never end.” Walensky added that if these guidelines were followed, it was possible Americans could begin returning to a numb stupor in the next few months.

The Onion