Secret Service Worry Major Biden’s Behavior Influenced By Time Spent On Far-Right Dog Forums

WASHINGTON—Searching for answers in the wake of multiple violent incidents involving the German shepherd, Secret Service agents told reporters Wednesday that they remained concerned that Major Biden’s recent behavior had been influenced by time spent on far-right dog forums. “It starts out innocently enough with following a squeak toy meme account, but slowly dogs like Major get sucked into much more toxic forums, often with rabid anti-veterinarian sentiment,” said Secret Service director James M. Murray, adding that such websites often target pups as young as 6 months old with bigoted messages about the purity of thoroughbred bloodlines and inherent cultural inferiority of mutts. “What’s insidious is these reactionary forums groom their young members with treats, belly rubs, and exposure to other members’ anal glands. That’s the sort of recruiting strategy that makes dogs like Major willing to do anything to prove loyalty to their far-right pack—even give paw. Often, they’re in so deep that only a newspaper to the snout can help them break free.” Secret Service officials went on to emphasize that despite his past actions, Major remained a very good boy.

The Onion