TORONTO – Hockey Night in Canada announced today that they were bringing back their long-running Coach’s Corner first-intermission segment with Ron MacLean and new ‘Coach’ Piers Morgan.
“Piers may not know a single thing about hockey,” said Executive Producer Trevor Pilling. “But he does have the key ingredient that made Don Cherry such a beloved figure: the ability to constantly say outlandish and offensive things in order to generate hate-views.”
“We also think his pompous smirk and enormous neck waddle will look great in Grapes’ quadruple breasted, paisley suits,” he added.
Since Cherry’s firing in 2019, Hockey Night in Canada has moved away from the ‘old man yells ‘bout stuff’ format in favour of a nuanced analysis of the game by a panel made up of former players and seasoned commentators. But producers feel this has lacked the racist heartbeat of the show’s glory days.
“I miss the water cooler talk Cherry would generate. Every Monday it would be all ‘can you believe what he said about Swedish players’ this and ‘I’m pretty sure I just watched a hate crime’ that. And that’s the kind of energy Piers can bring,” said Pilling.
Morgan said he was thrilled to be joining the team.
“I know I have a lot to learn, but I’m making progress. Listen: ‘I’m telling you the Buds would be winning this game if they drafted some good Canadian kids instead of that Rusky Ilya Mikhayavsky or whatever his name is.’ Then I give Doug Gilmour a kiss and sing God Save the Queen, right?”
Morgan did have some contract demands, including being served a full English Breakfast at the start of each game, being able to constantly compare the game of hockey to cricket and, most importantly, no matter who wins or loses: it’s Meghan Markle’s fault.
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