Bill Walton’s Diatribe About Negative Energy Fields Most Accurate Thing Announcers Have Said All Game

LAS VEGAS—Claiming that the flow of their chakras were responsible for both teams’ inaccuracy at the free-throw line, Bill Walton’s diatribe about negative energy fields during Friday’s PAC-12 tournament was still the most accurate thing any announcer or analyst had said all game. “You can just feel Oregon State responding to Gianni [Hunt]’s distressing vibrations, it’s a huge problem for them right now,” said Walton, launching into a rambling, five-minute analysis of the karmic implications of a hard foul coming back to bite Oregon that was more on base than any of the other announcers’ guesses at either teams’ leadership structure, play calling, or the need to “get tough,” on defense. “Wallowing in these lower-tier emotions is having a seriously draining effect on the whole team. Their root energy is completely out of balance and they are never going to start hitting more threes until they address that. I would suggest some serious acupuncture and aromatherapy at halftime if they want to stay in this.” At press time, Walton’s story about wandering through the Egyptian desert with Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesh was providing more insight than Oregon coach Dana Altman’s suggestion that the team needed to “stay disciplined,” in the second half.

The Onion