Hey Gamers, Our Source Inside Nintendo Disappeared And We Just Received His Gaming Hand In A Box So Don’t Expect Any News For A While

Readers, for decades you’ve come to OGN for the latest news and inside scoops about Nintendo. Unfortunately, today we received an indication that our reporting about the legendary console maker and developer may need to be put on hold. You see, our undercover source at the company disappeared last week, and we’ve just received a box with his severed gaming hand inside. The sad takeaway here is you shouldn’t expect any leaks from us about Nintendo for the foreseeable future.

Our first suspicion that something had gone awry came last week, when our source—long known for his punctuality—missed a scheduled weekly check-in with us. We had been waiting on some big news about the upcoming Nintendo direct, but the time came and went without a peep.

Of course, our intial instinct was to keep calm. He had cancelled drops before, such as when he was in deep cover at Intelligent Systems to blow the lid off the development of Paper Mario: The Origami King. But when he failed to respond on his distress frequency or the coded message on his burner phone, we feared the worst.

Then this morning came. We were delivered a mysterious white box tied with a red ribbon, which contained his hand clutching a Wii U controller with no note or message attached. You don’t need to be a genius to read between the lines and know there won’t be any Breath Of The Wild 2 news from us anytime soon.

Obviously, this is a huge blow to us because our mole has been one of the best sources of Nintendo information for the past decade. Most notably, he escaped a team of President Satoru Iwata’s deadly fixers to deliver us an untested beta of Pikmin 3. If you ever wondered how we managed to confirm the existence of rock Pikmin way back in 2008, now you know: It is a testament to his dedication and cunning that this vital information ever leaked to the public at all. Now, looking at this severed hand, we understand that the release of Mario Golf: Super Rush could come and go without us being able to report on potential DLC characters.

Needless to say, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

Clearly, our informant’s fate is sealed. Anyone familiar with Nintendo’s tactics know they are notoriously cruel towards leakers, with untold legions being poisoned, drowned, or bludgeoned to death by during the past reign of the lunatic Reggie Fils-Aimé. Thankfully, our informant did have a cyanide capsule embedded in his molar, so the best we can hope for is that he died peacefully by his own hand.

Still, we will not let this man’s brave sacrifice be in vain. It is our sacred duty to inform you of upcoming Yoshi and Star Fox games, and this setback will not deter us. This individual was only one of our assets within Nintendo. We can strike at them in any department, at any time. If it is a war Nintendo wants, then it is a war Nintendo will get.

The Onion