So, you’ve just been laid off as a journalist. Sad. Not good! But you need to buck up, because there are a lot of great career choices for you that can leverage your unique skills as a reporter and a destroyer of people’s lives.
Try your hand at one of these seven trades, and you’re sure to land on your feet in no time:
1. A programmer. We’re absolutely not telling you to learn to code, because that would be hate speech. But we might be suggesting you acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to develop and program software for computers and other electronic devices. MAYBE.
2. Learn to build solar panels. Sucks that your job got cut. But look at it as a positive: you can just pivot to building solar panels. Always gotta look on the bright side.
3. Official spokesperson for the Chinese government. You’ve got lots of experience in this already! China is probably hiring.
4. An essential worker. Do something actually essential for society, like driving for UberEats or DoorDash. You’ll contribute a lot more to society than ever before!
5. Just cut out the middle man and go mob people in their homes directly. You have a lot of experience doxxing people in hopes of riling up a mob to take them down. Why not get your hands dirty and just go attack people in their homes yourself? Cut out the middle man!
6. Take a gap year and search through old tweets for old time’s sake. You don’t need to jump right into a new career. Take your severance pay and spend a year looking for bad tweets people posted a decade ago just for old time’s sake.
7. Try your hand at writing hilarious satire. Your pieces in HuffPo already read like satire — why not just keep writing the exact same kind of pieces but label them as satire? As a parody of terrible woke journalism, it just might work!
Good luck — it can be brutal out there!
Jesus Christ is King
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