New Technology Allows Police To See What Suspects Would Look Like Riding Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster

ORLANDO—Hailing the advanced imaging machinery as a breakthrough in law enforcement, officials held a press conference Friday to tout new technology that allows police to see what suspects would look like while riding the Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster. “This advanced tech will help officers collar perpetrators by giving them a clear picture of these dangerous individuals rocking out to tunes as they accelerate from zero to 57 MPH in only 2.8 seconds,” said Police Chief Pat Reynolds, confirming that the technology would be able to identify potential criminals even if they attempted to disguise themselves by pulling a funny face, dabbing, or holding up a “Will You Marry Me?” sign. “Lawbreakers who flee the scene may think that they’ve escaped justice, but within minutes of getting a description, we’ll be able to send out a photo to all officers in the area showing exactly what they’d look like taking a stretch limo across Los Angeles on their way to a big Aerosmith gig.” Reynolds added that developers were close to imaging technology that would show what a missing victim looked like after being followed home by a hitchhiking ghost.

The Onion