Zookeepers Confirm Pandas Not Mating Because They’re Scared Of Messing Up Friendship

MEMPHIS, TN—Citing the complications that a sexual relationship inevitably brings, officials at the Memphis Zoo confirmed Monday that giant pandas Ya Ya and Le Le had not mated because they were both worried about messing up their friendship. “While securing the future of their species is absolutely crucial, it could never be worth risking what they have together as friends,” said senior curator Andrew Wentz, who praised the Chinese pandas for the maturity they had displayed in resisting “one cheap night of pleasure” in favor of the far greater rewards of a platonic friendship characterized by loyalty and mutual respect. “As zookeepers, we’d love nothing more than to have a few little cubs running around the habitat, but we completely respect their decision. We’re just glad their friendship survived that time Le Le made a pass at Ya Ya in the feeding pen. She didn’t reciprocate, and thankfully he backed off right away, before things could get too weird.” Wentz noted this was especially fortunate considering the pandas haven’t seen any other members of their species for a couple decades and have to share space that, when you’re a giant bear, gets kind of tight.

The Onion