Bible Scholars Say Early Mistranslation Distorted Story Of Jesus Crucifying The Romans

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of the Synoptic Gospels in their original Greek plainly shows how Jesus of Nazareth led an angry mob that humiliated, tortured, and ultimately crucified members of the Roman army,” said Oxford research fellow Clement Atherton, explaining that a translator’s mix-up of passive and active voice had led generations of the faithful to misunderstand the Passion, in which Jesus crowns Roman centurions with thorns, nails them to crosses, and pierces their sides with a lance. “Similarly, we found that an improper pronoun placement passed down through the centuries has resulted in most Christians failing to grasp that the Last Supper was a meal during which Jesus and His apostles feasted upon the body and blood of their enemies. Clearly, we may need to reevaluate some of our ideas about the Son of God, especially now that our scholarship has revealed how Christ actively incited a crowd on the Mount of Olives to stone an adulterer to death.” Atherton went on to state that the gospel story of Jesus causing a herd of pigs to become possessed by demons and run off a cliff to their death was, however, perfectly translated.

The Onion