A lot has been said lately about women serving in combat, with some people saying it’s not a good idea. Absolutely reprehensible! Here at the Babylon Bee, we respect women and value the very important contributions of women in the U.S. Armed Forces.
After doing some research, we discovered some of the many important advantages to having women in combat. Here are just a few. Read and learn, you sexist.
1. They can’t do as many push-ups, which helps the self-esteem of the male soldiers: Seriously– it’s so cute. Women can only do a few push-ups and they have to do lady push-ups like little kids. Can you imagine what would happen to morale if the female soldiers outperformed the men in the push-up department?
2. They are always carrying essential oils, which can heal any wound: Women are famous for their ability to patch up boo-boos. With essential oils, they have found a way to fix literally anything. Medics are now obsolete! Plus, they can carry a limitless supply of rations, ammo, bandages, equipment, mints, and small aircraft in their purse.
3. They are very submissive and good at taking orders: Wait– this can’t be true. We need to fact-check this one.
4. High heels have a smaller footprint and are thus less likely to set off a land mine: For many years, females have endured grueling training to become experts at walking on pointy stilettos– likely to gain a tactical advantage should they ever encounter a minefield.
5. They don’t throw grenades well, so the enemy will never know what to expect: Female soldiers usually throw like girls. It really throws the bad guys off– sending them diving in the wrong direction and completely embarrassing themselves in front of your female soldiers.
6. They make your forward operating base smell really good with their perfume and cookie baking: A military base without women just smells like dirt and farts. A woman’s touch just makes life better. Plus, all those throw pillows make driving a tank more comfortable!
7. Women are one-third the size of men, making them a much smaller target: Whenever there are women scampering around on the battlefield, it drives terrorist snipers crazy because they’re near impossible to hit.
8. They can replenish numbers by giving birth: Women soldiers have a magical ability to make more soldiers, easily replacing the casualties from your last battle. However, we’re told men can get pregnant now too, though, so maybe this ain’t so special.
9. You can pay them way less, which gives you more money for weapons and ammo: We’re not sure why they’re cool with this. We can only conclude women just don’t care about money as much. Either way, it’s great because that frees up more money to buy cool stuff like tanks and machine guns!
We hope you learned a thing or two from this comprehensive list. Now– go hang your head in shame and maybe try not being so sexist next time.
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