TEMPLETON, CA—Jostling for position amid a mass of confused sparrows and warblers, local birds in the backyard of resident George DiMaro expressed frustration Friday that his feeder was full of “goddamn tourists.” “Every March, all these assholes fly past here for a few days, make a huge mess, and end up taking all the good spots at the feeder. It’s bullshit,” said local mountain bluebird Xavier Goodfeather, complaining that the tourists often ran into him while gaping at the big California trees and have no idea how to properly queue up at George’s feeder. “They take all the branches and tree trunks for themselves so a local can’t even find a place to sit down, they shit all over the place—it’s a nightmare. These ovenbirds have no respect for the local community, they just see this as a place where they come for a few days and gorge on dried mealworms. And they think they’re hot shit, too, just because they’re migratory. I tried to be nice and tweet at one of them a few years back and they completely ignored me. Fuck ’em.” At press time, Goodfeather was wildly screeching at an orange crown warbler that had regurgitated its food onto the side of his nest.
Jesus Christ is King
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