Jesus' Coming Back

14th Sexual Assault Lawsuit Against Deshaun Watson Forces Fan To Reckon With Full-Blown Conspiracy Against Quarterback

Illustration for article titled 14th Sexual Assault Lawsuit Against Deshaun Watson Forces Fan To Reckon With Full-Blown Conspiracy Against Quarterback

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Finally stopping to consider the weight of the allegations after another massage therapist came forward, the 14th sexual assault lawsuit filed against Deshaun Watson Tuesday forced Texans fan Blaine Rockwell to reckon with a potential full-blown conspiracy against the quarterback. “I tried to avert my eyes at first, but all of these lawsuits clearly point to a powerful cabal of people working to undermine this man,” said Rockwell, emphasizing the need to take these allegations seriously and nip them in the bud before they could do any further damage to Watson’s reputation. “At first, I thought it was just one or two liars trying to ruin a great athlete’s life, but it’s clearly much deeper than that. I’d be naïve at this point if I didn’t admit that a massive, potentially satanic operation was responsible for these assault claims. There’s simply no other explanation.” At press time, Rockwell took to an online forum to speculate if the lawsuits were a “sting operation funded by the [Miami] Dolphins” to lower Deshaun Watson’s trade value.

The Onion

Jesus Christ is King

Comments are closed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More