Spring Breaker Not Going To Let Curfew Stop Him From Doing Whatever It Is He Does While Blackout Drunk
MIAMI—Dismissing efforts to curb the coronavirus pandemic, spring breaker Jaden Renfrow told reporters Tuesday that he wouldn’t let the city’s curfew policy stop him from doing whatever he does while blackout drunk. “You’re stupid if you think some government regulation is keeping me from getting so hammered that I’m incapable of remembering a single second of this vacation,” said Renfrow, criticizing legislators for infringing on his ability to wake up with his face covered in marker and the taste of blood in his mouth. “If I want to go out and do whatever it was that made my sandals tear in a half, then that’s my prerogative. I came here to get lit and make memories I’ll hazily recall for the rest of my life.” At press time, Renfrow breathed a sigh of relief after discovering he was in a county prison cell for public urination instead of violating curfew.
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