Real estate agents confirm your parents must die before you can afford to buy a house
NATIONWIDE – With real estate prices once again booming after a slight COVID-related decline, Canada’s real estate agents have officially confirmed what many have suspected for some time: that your parents must die, and also leave a sizeable inheritance, for you to afford buying property.
“Look, if your parents were smart enough to see the unaffordable housing and income inequality coming, they would have invested in real estate a long time ago. If they weren’t that intelligent, well, that’s what their extensive life insurance policy is for, isn’t it?” says Jacqueline Smith, who recently sold a literal garage in Toronto’s Danforth neighbourhood for a million dollars. “To be clear, I mean they would get a buttload of money when they finally just die already”.
According to real estate professionals in Toronto, Calgary, Vancouver, and weirdly Halifax, your chance of purchasing and owning property without a significant windfall from deceased parents is “statistically insignificant”.
“I mean, I guess you could be like one of those nerds who invents a million dollar app, but even then a million dollars won’t afford a detached home,” added Smith.
Research says rising income inequality, combined with the ever-nearing effects of climate change, will only stand to make the housing market exponentially worse. Combined with the fact that modern parents have been known to live until they’re 100, that could mean a lot more time living with roommates during which time prices would only continue to rise.
“I worry about my son, I honestly wish he would just kill me and keep the money. I can’t watch him be a shell of himself for much longer”, says Joshua Chan, tearing up while holding up a picture of his 38-year-old son looking aimlessly out the window at a ‘For Sale’ sign across the street.
However, not all is lost. If you like your parents, the good news is that they only have to be “legally dead”. Therefore if you can make them “disappear” for 7 years, you’ll be gaining status from your peers in no time.
If you do not like your parents, the good news is that you can bury them under your newly-refurbished basement in a beautiful 2 story house in Rosedale.
Jesus Christ is King
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