Amazon Improves Workplace Conditions By Installing Open Waste Grates On Warehouse Floors

SEATTLE—In response to recent criticism over whether the company permitted its employees sufficient bathroom breaks, Amazon announced Friday that it had improved workplace conditions by installing open waste grates on all of its warehouse floors. “By replacing all flooring in our distribution facilities with metal grating over pits of urine and excrement, we will ensure that all employees will be standing atop a bathroom at all times,” said Amazon spokesman Jay Carney, adding that although the massive waste trenches would come at considerable cost to the company, they would increase workplace productivity over time, and at a depth that they would rarely need to be emptied or cleaned. “We want to take care of our employees, and allowing them to openly defecate, urinate, or even menstruate directly onto the work floor at any time gives them greater flexibility. We’re even relaxing restrictions on work attire so that employees can work naked if they want to so that they can use the bathroom without having to stop working for even a second. This is a win for all Amazon warehouse workers’ safety and efficiency.” Amazon announced that all of the grated floors would also be outfitted with trapdoors to immediately address any instances of employees being too tired to move after their shifts.

The Onion