Conservative Berating Disney Store Employee Over Miss Piggy Merchandise Worried He No Longer Knows Who He Fighting

WHITEHALL, PA—Plagued by a small but persistent inkling that he had lost the thread somewhere along the way, local conservative Pat Wilson reportedly took a moment away from berating a Disney Store employee about the lack of Miss Piggy merchandise Friday to worry whether he still knew who he was fighting. “Shame on you for giving in to the woke mob foaming at the mouth to censor the Muppets,” said the sales manager and father of three, beginning to fear that perhaps the whims of a media corporation’s marketing apparatus didn’t represent an existential threat to his way of life. “Oh sure, you’ve got tons of Raya And The Last Dragon action figures and T-shirts, but, there’s only a tiny display of Muppet Christmas Carol figurines, because, uh, you’re so afraid that you’ll be…cancelled, I guess? Well that’s not the America I was raised in! Miss Piggy used to…mean something…to this country. Hmm.” At press time, Wilson had strengthened his resolve to destroy the nation’s enemies after seeing a billboard featuring a gay couple.

The Onion